An eternity in waiting.

I know it’s been so long and I’m really sorry about that. I think about the time I fell out of touch with this blog is about the time I fell out of touch with reality. I don’t know what’s been going on the last few weeks with me but.. end of story, shit sucks. 

I moved into a new house with two new roommates, an event I am enjoying more and more as each day passes. They’re heading back to Wisconsin tomorrow though, and I’ll be here for the summer by myself. There’s a very good chance that isn’t a great idea. I suppose if I survive it’ll be somewhat of a miracle. 

Right now I kind of feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I did something very bad last night, very very bad. Honestly, I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do and I hate myself for it today. I hate myself even more for it because I don’t feel very guilty. 

I’m just sipping on Jameson and ginger ale and trying to get a handle on things. I think a few more muscle relaxers might make it easier to handle. I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain right now. This is indeed an episode and it’s a very, very bad one. I haven’t taken my medicine in several.. possibly weeks and my mental state is now paying for it. 

If you know this is happening, why don’t you stop it? says my friend. 

Because I don’t give a fuck. says me. 

Heart palpitations + alcohol + this music + this mood. I may renew my friendship with the x-acto knife before the night is over, if only to make myself cry. I think if I could just cry I’d be alright. 

 

Uh. Yeah.

I didn’t mean to spew all of that via my fingertips. Between the fact that it’s like 32 degrees in my room and I’m having a crazy out of body experience, my language skills are less than satisfactory right now. I’ll be back sooner than a month again, I promise. Maybe later tonight, or tomorrow. We’ll see. I just know I need to get back on the right fucking path and this is most definitely not it. 

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2 thoughts on “An eternity in waiting.

  1. Let me know and I’ll repost if it’s not out there or I’ll try again:

    Hi….good to hear from you and know that you’re okay. How about sticking with the Ginger Ale and music and thinking about taking some deep breaths and as per Deepak Chopra
    Sit comfortably and close your eyes while focusing on your breath. Deepak Chopra said thoughts will interfere but that is normal. He said to continue sitting quietly while focusing on your breath.
    Turn your focus to your heart and ask yourself the following question: “What is my highest vision for my health and well-being?” Allow all the images you see in your mind to flow throughout your mind.
    Next, ask yourself the question “What is my highest vision for love and relationships in my life?” Again, do not go looking for the answer in your mind. Let the answer naturally come to you in the form of sensations, images and thoughts.
    The third question to ask yourself is “What is my highest vision for the realization of my goals and success in life?” Again, let the answer come naturally.
    Ask yourself this final question, “How do I get in touch with my higher self, my spirit, so I can be inspired, creative and unleash my imagination to exercise free will?”

    Deepak Chopra said this whole process should take about three minutes of your time. Dr. Oz said this simple meditation process can unleash your full potential and help you reduce the stress in your life.

    I focus on Jesus’ love and protection while in this state rather than buddha

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